u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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