you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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