Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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