I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize