I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
