Someone shit on the floor
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
