the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
