Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
