Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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