you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
