can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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