I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Buhtt sex?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
