cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
