If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize