I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
