During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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