I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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