Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i love accidental penises.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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