i just had sex bonerless
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
