theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
