Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
