I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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