Jerry, you need to find god
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
