I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize