I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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