you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
