I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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