I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
