I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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