Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Randomize
