Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
