I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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