whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
