After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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