dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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