Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
