Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
