Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
