I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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