is your mom at the bar?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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