Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I did not marry a roomba.
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