Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
