yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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