Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
