Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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