she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
