took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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