I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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