my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
