I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
