i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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