Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
