If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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