happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
